Tuesday, August 23, 2011

In that first dark winter, when I ran around adjusting monitors, administering countless medicines, and loading up my toddler, my very sick baby, and an oxygen canister for daily doctor appointments--I thought this day would never come.  But, I knew if I could just hang on for 3 years, then this day would come an dI would not be the soul person repsonible for this very challenging little girl.  I would day-dream of the day that she would be somewhere else and someone else's responsibility for at least a few hours.  Terrible, isn't it? Other parents would tell me about how hard it was to send their child to school and I'd laugh inside.  Because I just wanted mine to go.  Just go.  And not like, Oh I think it'll be so good for her....but more it'll be so good for me.

Back then I felt guilty about wanting to do what was best for me--and totally selfish. Today I am totally confident that Lilah going to school is a great thing for her....because it's a great thing for me to get a break.  I know it's  uncouth to say you need a break from your child, but it's the truth.  One of the differences in having a special needs child is that you, as  a parent, are constantly giving  (time, emotions, love, physical care, etc) until you run out of things to give.  And then you give some more.
I have giveniveniveniven and I am worn out.  I need some time to restore my batteries, to feed my soul, to breath fresh air, and enjoy some freedom--so that I can be a better mother for all my kids, but especially Lilah.  I want to love my precious daughter as God intended and I know being the best mom I can be means taking care of myself.  

Lilah seemed to enjoy her first day of school....she pushed her wheelchair right into the building without looking back and looked happy when we picked her up.  We are thankful for teachers and aides that enjoy and delight in our sweet girl.  She's going to have a great year!


Marissa Benedict said...

so sweet, gina. i have so much respect for you. i can't believe how much she's grown!!

Jessica said...

awesome for you and her. I'm proud of you, Gina. You are such a wonderful Mommy - look how happy Lilah looks! That is a testament to all the love she gets and feels.

Amy Young said...

I LOVE your brutal honesty! I agree ONE HUNDRED PERCENT! It is so good for a momma's soul to have some time away from her kids and then when they return from their short trip, everyone just feels renewed! :) Honestly, I don't know how you do it all but this break is well deserved. Enjoy it!